Her hoof in marriage
Subject: Fwd: Important Question Snort
Hey you. This is too big for email. I’m going to cancel my 11am and call you. Isn’t it amazing? Love me.
ps: Attached is a photo I just dug out. It was taken when they were six weeks old. Do you remember it? We’d found them playing the “wedding game” together on the bathroom floor. And now it might happen for real! They grow up so fast!
Begin forwarded message:
Subject: Important Question Snort
From: PiggyandPuggy@gmail.comTo: Porcine.Beastie@gmail.com, Porcine.Sweetie@gmail.com
November 26th, 2013
Dear two-leg mummy and two-leg daddy,
Hello it’s Puggy here. I’m snorting this eee-mail to you today because I need to ask you both a very important question. I’m writing to you because you are Piggy’s (adoptive) parents. It’s a bit strange as you also happen to be my adoptive parents, but that’s not important as far as today’s eee-mail is concerned.
(That said, it is very very important that—despite the fact me and Piggy have the same adoptive parents—we have different porcine parents, and thus we are not brother and sister piggies. You’re sure of this, right?)
Anyway, on to my question. As you probably already know from my previous snorts, I am completely, utterly, madly in love with Piggy. She truly is the porcine of my dreams, and she is just perfect in every way. Actually perfect: not just 99% perfect, or even 99.99% perfect, but completely and absolutely 100% perfect. She is the one.
Probably she doesn’t feel the same way about me. This is why I’ve never said anything to her (I’m a scaredy-pig, I know). But I have to tell her, I do. It’s killing me, keeping all my love bottled in like this. (It’s a bit like when you’ve eaten too many apples and you really need to emit some bad-smelling gases to relieve the pressure on your over full stomach. Only this time it’s my heart that’s overflowing, not my belly, and instead of making a piggie-fart I want to tell Piggy how much I love her… okay, okay, so it wasn’t such a great analogy. Snort.)
Now as you know, I am not the sort of porcine to do things by halves. Thus I want to go the whole proverbial hog, so to snort. Hence:
I am asking you both today for your permission and your blessing for me to ask your porcine daughter Piggy for her hoof in marriage.
Please please please please pretty pretty please with apples and corn on top please say yes. Also if you had any good ideas for romantic ways to ask her that would be very helpful.
Puggy :& :&
Listen to Puggy reading his eee-mail